Monday, January 24, 2011

My wish

The hardest thing in the entire world for me is to have people closest to me not understand what is wrong. Today I sit at my desk in silence. The last two days have been full of silence. My chest radiates pain, for more than one reason.

You see my husband, (who is the most AMAZING man in the world, so remember that while you read the rest. he is my rock on this earth, my support system and the love of my life), said something to me on Saturday in a heated argument that hit me hard. It's been a long time since he used my exhaustion against me in a fight. That kills me. I know I need to forgive him, but his words just keep repeating themself in my head.

I know I'm always tired... I know I don't get things done. I know. But what others don't know is what I go through every day watching life go by and me not being able to do anything. Do I want to go home and crash, no. Do I want to have a messy kitchen? no. Do I want all this... NO. I want to feel great, I want get up in the morning go to work come home and be a mom and a wife.

I hate my "internal dialouge" sometimes.

I wish with everything in me I could should him what it's like. I wish I could show a handful of people, but it's not possible. I wish they knew how crappy I wake up feeling, I wish they knew what it feels like to watch others work on things I should be doing around me. I wish they knew. (But I don't think following him around smacking him with a baseball bat for a day is legal- LOL)

I wish they knew what it felt like to have your joints feel like they way 500 pounds and I need to walk up that hill or down a flight of stairs. I wish they knew what it felt like to leave work at 4 and worried that I wont be able to hold my head up long enough to drive home.

I wish they knew how hard it is to say no, when my heart says yes. I wish they knew. I wish they knew. I've shared the "Spoon Theroy" a million times. I know a few have read it, but I don't know if they get it.

I struggle with what to share with him or with anyone. Sometimes I feel like if I say it outloud it will come true and i just don't know how to talk about them.

I wish they knew what it was like. I wish they could walk a mile in my shoes... I wish I could walk a mile in theirs.

My hubby and I will get through this, but it doesn't make it easy. Will I share with him what hurt so badly... probably not because in the next few days we will probably just go back to life like it never happened. So today I sit at my desk... saddened. Debating if I should share this with him. tempting, but I just don't know. I don't like the idea of my friends reading this blog... stupid I know.

1 comment:

Headstrong said...

So sorry you're feeling misunderstood. I understand a little bit, as I've has some issues with my husband's feeling about my disease. I hope you can find a good time to talk to your hubby about it. Thinking of you! Best of luck, Headstrong