Friday, January 28, 2011

Losing the battle not the war

Last night I lost this battle with Lupus. This has far been one of my worse flares. Now I know my Lupus is still pretty mild compared to a lot of other people, but this is bad, real bad.

I have gone into every battle (Flare) thinking: Lupus will not define me. I am stronger than my Lupus and I will make it through. Usually that works, but this week it didn't.

None of the meds I took yesterday worked. It was devasting to lay down last night and feel defeated. Wishing that just once the steriods would work, pleading with God to help me through it.

Now outside of my Lupus it has been a tough week anyways, between the enormous fight between David & me and a very dear friend passing away I have been on edge with my emotions (which thanks to fabulous anti-depressants that is very rare).

So last night at about 10:00 pm I lost it. The tears flowed. I haven't cried that hard in several years, but I gave in. Gave in to the intense pain, gave in to the insominia, gave in to the emotional pain. Just gave in to it all. I prayed and prayed and still didn't find the answers I was looking for. I know God is shaping me for a reason. I know God uses my Lupus in so many ways to help others, so I must rely on His strength and not my own and last night I failed.

I slept three hours and that was it. Now I'm up with pain and nasuea debating if I should take more meds. Debating if I should call into work, debating if it's time to put life on hold. But spending the day in bed will make me go completely crazy. I think taking a day for bedrest would be good for my body but bad on my soul. If I spend the day in bed, I will spend it crying allowing my Lupus to take me over. Allowing it to continue to win.

In two hours I will head to work. I will figure it out. I will fight.... at least until 4:00 and then it's home to bed.

I guess I need to learn that I don't always get to win- but it's hard to loose a battle to Lupus but the war is mine.

1 comment:

Tollefson Family said...

Cori, lean on your friends when you are feeling this way. God put us here for a reason. It is not by chance that I met you and found out I have a daughter who is destined to the same path. It is not by chance that we had a friendship before I knew this was the path we were going to take. I would support you in any way that I can, and I would even cry with you. It is not a sign of defeat, it is just exhaling through your eyes (know what I mean?). God gave me the ability to be very empathetic, and I am happy to cry with you, love you, and be with you every step of the way. I hope you are feeling better today, and that things are better at home. love you