Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A ball of emotions

Today is the day... I hope.

Yesterday morning the infusion was on, then off due to a clerical error and then last night it was all fixed and back on. I wont believe it til the needle is in my arm.

But, I really hope it's on. I didn't sleep well. My mind went nuts with all the possiblities. Good and bad.

First the good, if this goes well I may feel normal. What does that mean? what does it feel like not to be exhausted all the time??? What will I do with my time? I am just overwhelmed with all the possibilities.

The bad, some of the side effects can be intense. I am nervous. I don't want this to go bad. I don't want my hair to change, I don't to be sicker than a dog and I don't want to be hospitalized. Yep those are all MAJOR side effects and the chances are slim and none, but my mind has be swirling with all the possibilities.

I have been up half the night struggling to let all these thoughts go. Struggling to trust God that all will be well in the end, the He will see me through but that is extremely hard. Maybe it's because my pain was so intense so my sleepless night was magnified with hope and fear.

So in 90 minutes I hope to have this liquid magic going into my veins and having my body welcome it with open arms so my life can see a glimer of what everyone else feels on a daily basis.


Headstrong said...

I hope the infusion goes well, and that you see good results. Thinking of you,

Anonymous said...

I'm also a lupus patient. I wish u everything of the best